Ego | Alphabet Project

Ego | Alphabet Project


I have a really big ego. I’m proud and stubborn and sometimes stuck-up. I always have been, even though I’ve tried,
and I’m trying not to be. But I own it. And it’s served me well. Without my ego, I wouldn’t push myself to
constantly do better, because I know I can be better. I wouldn’t have stood my ground and told myself
and everyone around me that I could be an English major, a writer, a creative. Without it, I’d question the face that looks
at me in the mirror and wonder if I’d look better if I hid it. But it comes at a cost – this ego of mine. I miss out on opportunities that I think I’m
too good for. I strive for perfection because I always know
I can do better, and that makes me doubt the work that I’ve created and am creating. Why aren’t I better? Why can’t I match what my ego tells me I can
do? Why can’t I finish my seven hundred projects
instead of starting another one? Why aren’t I there yet? And my answer, every time, is that those projects
aren’t good enough. There are always greener pastures, always
something better to strive to, always a project that can be thrown away. And I know that’s a bad mindset. I try to be dedicated to my ideas, to my work,
just as I am to the idea of myself that I am constantly striving toward. And I know, part of that’s the ADHD. The time blindness that makes me forget the
deadlines I set for myself and the new ideas that my brain keeps churning out instead of
focusing on the idea I’ve chosen. But it’s also my ego getting in the way of
myself. Telling me that it could be perfect, but it’s
not. Telling me that I have the capability to make
it perfect, but I’m not. And I go in circles and circles like this
until I distract myself with something inane and shut off that part of my brain – my ego
– my creative force and my tranquilizer. Or I come up with a new idea and the cycle
starts again – my ego telling me how great this new idea is. How amazing it’s going to be, how I’m going
to make it perfect, until I start and it isn’t. I need to figure out a way to get my ego in
check. To make it so that I’m proud instead of embarrassed
of the things I’ve done, excited and confident about new and ongoing projects instead of
dismissing everything as “not good enough,” because there’s self-criticism, and then there’s
this. But I had it under control long enough to
make this little video, didn’t I? It works in sprints, keeping it in check. I just have to turn it into a marathon. Special thanks to Jay Patel, John E. Norem,
and Untapped Inkwell for being my Patrons. If you would like to support my video work,
head on over to my Patreon and check out the perks.

5 thoughts on “Ego | Alphabet Project”

  1. I'm so proud of you for making this video because you said a couple weeks ago you were going to make something and then you did it.

  2. I spy a mermaid!! =D
    Also, hoo boy does some of this resonate with where I'm at right now. Loooooots of struggling to see tasks through at the moment. I'll get there. It just might take a while. And I have to do a lot of remembering to be nice to myself, meet myself where I'm at, and giving myself permission to be bad at things and/or half ass them. It's hard.

  3. Hi, Nirali. I really love hearing my own thoughts and struggles echoed by a clear voice. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us so that we don't feel like we're struggling alone. You are appreciated! Much Love

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