MLT Podcast The Standards and Compatibility Inventory!!!

MLT Podcast The Standards and Compatibility Inventory!!!


welcome to the mean lady talking podcast
this is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships life love
and loss it may not be the advice you want but is probably the advice you need
and now here’s your host grief therapist motivational speaker relationship expert
best-selling author and attorney that not really mean mean lay to yourself
Susan J Elliott talking podcast and today we’re talking about the standards
and compatibility inventory now most of the things I’m going to talk about on
today’s podcast are things that are completely unique to the getting past
your breakup program even though the standards incompatibility inventory
doesn’t show up until getting back out there it’s very important to look at it
to read about it to have it in your mind as soon as you break up getting back out
there is not a dating book it gives you an overview of healthy relationships
what they look like and what you need to have in order to have a healthy
relationship getting back out there talks about communication styles it
talks about boundaries it talks about a whole host of things that have nothing
to do with dating but it does talk about dating and it does talk about early
relationships and it does talk about merging families it talks about many
many things it also talks about what real love is and isn’t and if you notice
I don’t use the term true love I use the term real love because real love is
about real life and it’s about having a real partner to tackle real life which
is life on life’s terms many times when we start dating we’re
looking for things that really don’t matter I’ve said it myself that my
criteria when I was dating was smart cute funny but there are many
man in this world who were smart cute and funny who just wouldn’t make a very
good partner and who wouldn’t have made a very good partner I had to be more
specific than that and if you’re not more specific than that you’re going to
wind up with a whole bunch of stuff you don’t want Eleanor Roosevelt said if you
don’t stand up for something you’ll fall for anything and nothing is truer than
in relationship you have to have some idea of what you want and not blue eyes
blonde hair black hair brown eyes tall short medium whatever it has to be more
specific than that now over the years that I’ve been doing this and I’ve been
doing this work for more than 25 years I came up with what I call the 3 a.m.
person and anybody that has followed me for any period of time knows what the 3
a.m. person is the 3 a.m. person is there’s a raging thunder and lightning
storm all of the electricity has gone out the sound has woken up the baby and
it has frightened the dog but the dog still wants to go out but is afraid of
the rain and the Thunder and now the roof is leaking so what do you do you or
your partner should say ok you find the candles and then get the baby I’ll put a
pot under the leak and then I’ll get the dog out and we’ll get through this
together that’s the 3 a.m. person and it doesn’t have to be a domestic scene that
I have just painted for you it’s about whatever it is you want in life maybe
you want to go into business together it’s the person who will be there who
will not blame things on you I mean I’ve been in relationships where practically
the thunderstorm itself was being blamed on me but you don’t want somebody’s
gonna say I told you call somebody about that roof I told you I didn’t want the
dog I told you that we needed to put the candles such-and-such
that’s the blame er you don’t want the blame er don’t want the blame er and I
talk about this and getting back out there different styles of communication
and one is somebody that has to blame everything on someone there things can’t
just happen it’s got to be somebody’s fault if you’ve always been around
people like that and I was because the family that I grew up in everything
that went wrong had to be somebody’s fault and you also don’t want somebody
who’s completely irresponsible and unable to deal with life on life’s terms
you don’t want somebody to say I’m just doing baby duck out of here see ya you
take care of this I’m booking down the road now if you want to go into business
with somebody or you want to go into your own business you want a partner
who’s going to be able to help you face whatever challenges come along you want
somebody that’s either going to be able to pitch in or somebody who’s just going
to be able to support you while you’re building your business you might be
independently wealthy and want to sail the ocean blue want somebody who is
going to understand that sometimes there’s storms at sea and sometimes the
boat springs a leak or whatever it is you again it doesn’t matter what the
three am seen it it’s about each of you grab and hold of some part of it and
supporting each other through it I’ve talked about my husband Michael that
when my son was assaulted viciously in Massachusetts and we were living in
California I flew back there I got him I brought him back to California and I did
not want him going back to Massachusetts six months later with a lot of bills and
the hospital bill was like fifty thousand dollars and we paid that and
Michael never said you know he’s 22 years old he shouldn’t it shouldn’t have
been in the bar at 3 o’clock good morning all these different things that
happen that led up to the assault he never said that I had a friend who had
given me the money to fly back Bend days in a hotel while he was still
recuperating the hospital and then I had to keep him in the hotel for a few days
before he could travel with a brain injury and then I had to pay her back
when I got some money I’m Michael never sent anything then his act had asked us
to pay her once a month instead of every week in child support and we did that
for about a year and then she opened up a child support case and stated that we
had never paid her and even though years later the court found that we had paid
our we still couldn’t get the money back we had to sue her and she wasn’t good
for the money so Michael wasn’t going to pay the lawyer any more money then we
had already done sir and I didn’t yell at him I didn’t say
your acts take us to the cleaners for a year no I talked to the lawyer and this
was before I became a lawyer I was actually in law school I talked to the
lawyer I gathered all the paperwork I did a whole bunch of things to get him
into a position to challenge her on these different things that she was
doing at no time did one of us say hey this is your ex you’re a kid you’re this
you’re that neat no we didn’t it was us against the world batch a 3 a.m. person
now nothing that I just described to you with my sons assault in the ex with the
child support neither of that happened to 3 a.m. and they were both ongoing
issues but we never once snapped at each other over it we never once said this
your kid or your ex are your problem it wasn’t what we did it was us against
whatever problem there was and is not that I wasn’t frazzled is nothing he
wasn’t frazzled it’s just we were not taken out on each other this whole
concept of taking out whatever befalls you on the person closest to you is
absolutely ridiculous I mean it’s the thing that a lot of people do that many
many people do it’s not what you should be doing now one of the issues about the
3 a.m. person is you don’t know from the your first date if this person is going
to be a 3 a.m. person or not and I have had so many people say to me oh well I
went on a date with this person that person there were there weren’t any
sparks no chemistry and I have to tell you that many times chemistry what we’re
calling chemistry what we’re calling Sparks is simply your dysfunction saying
hello to their dysfunction it’s much easier for you to find somebody with
whom you have a physical chemistry you don’t even know each other and you’re
saying what we don’t have chemistry but healthy relationships don’t feel like
crazy firework and and all this other stuff you’re calm you’re not looking for
somebody to fill you up in empty places or to be something
that nobody else should have the right to ask somebody else to be things go
wrong in life that’s like Stephen Levine called it the terrible day leanness and
each of us needs as much help as we can get to get through the terrible day
leanness of life now let me explain to you about how we get from the horror
show of your breakup to the perfect 3 a.m. person that is through the
standards and compatibility inventory now I tell people to start this the
minute you break up because there are things you don’t want in another person
ever ever ever again and it’s really good to be aware of that when you are
first breaking up because as time goes on you’re going to be less and less
inclined to worry about certain things now the reason that I tell people that
they have to start making their standards and compatibility inventory
early on is because it’s something you have to commit to you have to take
things and you have to make three columns acceptable unacceptable and
might be acceptable for the right person and when you make that list you should
have some idea of what happens in your last relationship that you don’t ever
ever ever want again and I tell people as you work through the book getting
past your breakup you will come to the relationship inventory and at this point
it’s very important to understand how the relationship inventory and the
standards and compatibility inventory go together because as you’re working
through the relationship inventory is not something that should be done early
on you can see things that you missed things that you accepted that you
shouldn’t have accepted so you can put those things on the not acceptable
column of the standards and compatibility inventory there are things
that maybe a jury is a little bit out on I’m not sure how I feel about this but
the important thing is for you to commit to your list once you have them
you don’t want to start date and not have done that because you’ll meet up
with somebody you know the cute smart funny person and you haven’t been dating
for a long time you have been in relation for a long time you haven’t
been hugged and kissed for a long time and all of a sudden there’s mr. amis
blue eyes you know looking at you and liking you and everything’s hunky-dory
these standards and compatibility inventory at that point can compete with
that the standards and compatibility inventory has to be something that you
commit to long before you’re ever ready to date it has to be something that you
have arrived at and you have committed yourself absolutely
the minute the red flag comes up the minute anything that’s on the
unacceptable list comes up you are out of there no ifs ands or buts if it’s an
unacceptable it’s an unacceptable you have to commit to yourself that
you’re going to walk now another part of both getting past your breakup and
getting back out there is boundaries I talk about boundaries in both books and
the reason that I do that is because it’s some of the most difficult work you
will ever do you have to commit to the fact that you have the right to set
boundaries and that you will set boundaries you have to commit to the
fact that this is your list and as I say in getting back out there you do not put
your standards up to a vote when I was single and sometimes my friends would
have a boyfriend you know who did this of that and I would say I would never
put up with that and they would tell me I was too picky they would tell me my
standards were too high and I would say fine I never find a guy that’s gonna be
different than what you’re describing that’s fine with me I’d rather be alone
then put up with this nonsense for five minutes and my friends would think that
I was crazy but I told them I said I don’t put my standards up to a vote if
all my friends think that I’m too picky I don’t care people will say things like
Oh every relationship has issues no every relationship does not have issues
it’s possible to be in a relationship without a lot of issues where every
relationships goes through a rough patch no no they do not
only people that have only been in bad relationships say this because they’re
bargaining with themselves now when I talk about boundaries in both books I
talked about the three time rule if you ask somebody for something twice and you
don’t get it on the third time you ask you’re now bargaining with yourself and
that concept comes from melody bate I’m very big on giving credit to where I
have read something or something that I have used and corporated into getting
past your breakup and get it back out there
melody Beatty came up with the three time rule and I absolutely believe that
you must ascribe to the three time rule so if you’re letting someone get away
with something and you’ve asked them to stop it and they don’t on the third time
that you need to ask you’re bargaining with yourself it’s time to the set a
boundary or give up whatever it is and I have youtube videos on boundaries and I
talk about it then I mean sometimes you need to come face-to-face with the fact
that you’re not setting boundaries very well and maybe that’s what you have to
work on and it’s easier to work on boundaries with friends family
co-workers than to wait until you get into a relationship that’s why it is so
important to read both books getting past your breakup and getting back out
there long before you’re ready to date because you have to have those
boundaries in place and you have to say to somebody if you drive like a maniac
if you don’t pay child support if you smoke if you won’t help around the house
whatever it is whatever it is that you absolutely must have in your next
relationship if that’s not there you have to walk and chances are you’re not
going to be able to determine whether it’s there or not on the first few day I
always tell people reserve judge you know this thing about sparks it’s like
you need to understand that many healthy relationships are just calm and you’re
not missing something if there’s not fireworks because you could get
fireworks with many many people you cannot get a healthy relationship with
everybody and it’s not about taking something out of your life it’s about
putting something in your life because healthy relationships people grow
and learn together and the more you come to realize that this is a dependable
person this is my 3 a.m. person you grow to love them even more you grow to have
sparks you grow to swoon if you’re swooning on the first date it’s
completely hormonal it’s completely physical and it means absolutely nothing
and if you don’t swoon that means absolutely nothing – you have to give
yourself time to discover other people and discover what they’re all about and
discover you want that or not and I’m not saying that there’s no physical
fireworks but that there’s not that as a determining factor you cannot figure out
what the determining factor is on the first date I mean when I talk about the
3 M person I mean notice that I’m not saying you know you’re 3 amperes gonna
be the guy to bend you over the table and makes wild passionate love to you
that’s not in the 3 a.m. scenario another notion that you have to dispel
is this idea of like everyone deserves second chances or that true love
forgives no matter what because you’re going to be giving second chances and
forgiving the unforgivable forever you have to make your standards and
compatibility list and that has to be adhere to no matter what now one of the
first things that you need to do in your standing and Pat ability inventory and
this you can do as you’re walking out of your last relationship you have to do au
side of the list you have to know what you’ve done wrong in relationships
before and stop it you have to have boundaries and you have to stick to that
you have to look at the red flags that you ignored in the past make a list of
what red flags you ignored in your relationship that is now crumbling which
red flags did you ignore early on and what do you need to do to learn to keep
yourself safe you need to figure it out and then you need to do it you need to
ask yourself what quirks or habit of mine have caused issues in my
relationships have you tried to play them
or hide them many times in early relationships we’re parading as
something we’re not we’re doing the job interview thing where you show up all
wide-eyed and bushy tailed and you want this employer to pick me pick me pick me
and you show up on dates like that and then as you get to know each other they
realize that some of the things that you have portrayed is not true about you so
what are those things what have you tried to play down or hide them from a
new relationship one of the most important things to do before you go
back out there again is to decide what is it in you that needs to change
if anything I mean sometimes other people don’t like things about us that
we happen like could be quirky we could be eccentric it could be a whole bunch
of thing but it’s just who we are you don’t want to change because somebody
else doesn’t like something about you you want to change because you have
actually taken a good long look at yourself and decided these things need
to change my husband Michael and I used to have
this he used to tell me that life was too short to clean the house and I say
life is too short to live in a messy house I mean we had that issue and when
I made my standards and compatibility inventory I did not want to live with
another slob I wanted somebody who was neat and clean and Michael was the
sloppiest guy in the entire world but we opened up about that early on and I
moved my unacceptable to the may be acceptable for the right person and I
can’t imagine anyone prior to him being the type of person that I would have
given that up for I just wouldn’t and I wasn’t going to go around nagging him
either so we compromised on getting a housekeeper and I’ve talked about this
in videos and I’ve talked about this another podcast but many people don’t
want to talk about the things that they disagree on early on they’re afraid of
rocking the boat you have to know what happens if you rock the boat is your
partner gonna toss you overboard or are they going to say kitsch please stop
rocking the boat I’m getting seasick over here what is going to happen what
are you two going to do about this is there something that you can
no I mean I said to him I’m not paying housekeepers to clean up the mess that
you make on the coffee table and I’m not cleaning how I’m not paying housekeepers
to get your clean clothes off the pool table so you need to put this stuff away
before the house keep it gets here but I’m never going to ask you to wash a
floor I’m never going to ask you to wash a dish I’m never going to ask you to
clean the bathroom god only knows what the bathroom would look like if I asked
them to clean it but I wasn’t picking up after him and I wasn’t paying someone to
pick up after some of these things and that’s what that’s how we compromise if
you have an issue like that you have to sometimes figure out which I did in my
first marriage whether is this what we’re fighting about really what we’re
fighting about and I talk about that and getting back out there because my
ex-husband went ballistic over the house time and time again the house was
absolutely spotless it wasn’t about having a clean house it
was about him being a control freak you have to avoid useless arguments you have
to be honest about who and what you are because if you’re not you’re both going
to figure this out certainly the one person is going to feel really taken you
have to figure out early on if any incompatibility can be fixed or is it
gonna do miu I mean there’s so many people that would say well yeah I knew
about this and I’ve talked about this so many times I had a client who on their
first date the guy told her that he didn’t believe in evolution and I
couldn’t even believe later on when they were going through a messy messy messy
divorce that he had told her this on the first date she was so into him and
everything was hormonal and going crazy and they just had this intense I mean we
want to talk about chemistry you want to talk about fireworks they had it and let
me tell you she ruse the day that she got involved with this lunatic but the
fireworks the chemistry was so intense and it was absolutely her dysfunction
saying hello to his dysfunction they had wild crazy set and that wild crazy sex
all the fireworks all the chemistry masks the fact that they were in
apparently incompatible so that’s what I’m saying like don’t get sparks or no
sparks as much weight as people give it so you have to look at those
relationship patterns that have gotten you into trouble and I saw this person
time and time again jump after one date about oh well mr. wonderful mr.
wonderful mr. wonderful one date mr. wonderful I told you you’ve got to stop
doing that you’ve got to listen if somebody says I don’t believe in
evolution and you believe absolutely in evolution there’s going to be an issue
and everything that happened that that flows from those two different belief
systems came and wrecked their relationship you also have to understand
that when you make your list negotiable non-negotiable may be negotiable for the
right person you can make that as disciplined as you want I had a list a
mile long and you cannot have your friends vote on your list and you can’t
let somebody new whittle down your list to suit their bad habits and difficult
tendency it’s your list you keep to it you can say you must be legally free
meaning divorced or never married you’ve never been arrested you’re not behind
the child support you have a job you have a car and you don’t have bla bla
bla bla bla if you pay attention to these big-ticket items and they are
absolutely non-negotiable you don’t have to think about it when someone comes
along and they’re cute they’re nice and they’re business that and they say honey
big sweetie my little boo I love you so much
you’re gonna say yeah really but you know you’ve got all these speeding
tickets and duis and you haven’t paid child support in a year maybe you’re not
the person for me but if you are desperate hungry people make poor
shopper and you’re gonna say well you know there’s all these reasons why he
didn’t pay his child support all these reasons why she had those DUIs you know
she was just very very stressed out about everything you can figure out a
way to excuse inexcusable behavior whenever you have not committed to
making sure that you’re not with somebody who engages in this inexcusable
behavior you also have to know that if you accept something once it becomes
harder to walk away a second time sometimes you don’t want to second-guess
yourself like did I leave too soon but you have to know that something should
only happen once and then you walk and other things might be worth a second
chance but you have to know what those are know them and commit to them this is
a commitment you make to you you don’t allow anyone to talk you out of them you
have your list you’re not too picky you’re not too uppity you’re not too
whatever you’re just taking care of you there are some things that are nice to
have but they can be negotiable you can say you’re someone that likes to go
sailing but the other person doesn’t have to like it but if you are
passionate about it and you want someone that will do that for you and go sailing
with you and maybe learn how to sail whatever then that’s a must-have and you
should not not not back down on something like that I’ve told this story
and I think it’s in getting back out there I had a client who was absolutely
passionate about art art history the knowledge of artists and Renaissance
painters and she was dating a guy who seemed perfectly nice and normal and he
was willing to go to museums and art shows with her but he didn’t know that
much about it and he didn’t really want to he was just willing to kind of go
along and be her escort but he wasn’t gonna jump up and down over da Vinci
like he just wasn’t and she was so upset that he didn’t get whoo and AH over
everything and she dumped him I didn’t get it her friends didn’t get it and he
didn’t get it but she was adamant about I want someone who’s passionate about
art and you can have that as a standard but you also have to understand that the
universe of people who share that with you might be very small and you might
get a person who’s not very nice who who’s all into art you just have to know
your priority the most popular video and the most popular article on getting past
your breakup is when the person you love doesn’t love you and that’s an original
to getting past your breakup but I know other people have ripped it off like to
the max but that started here the number-one standard for a partner
must be I don’t care who you are I don’t care what kind of relationship you want
to be in I don’t care old you are I don’t care about your preferences
male/female your ethnicity your age how many times you’ve been married I don’t
care I don’t care and can I care this is number one across the board every single
person the number one requirement is once B with me
nothing else matters if that’s not there but someone can want to be with you and
still act like a jerk so wants to be with me doesn’t end the inquiry but
doesn’t want to be with me does end the inquiry
treatment is as important as wants to be with me
so even number two or one B should be treats me well it’s as important as
wants to be with me if not more important but if someone doesn’t want to
be with you and I’m talking about your ex who just trow a lot out the door once
wants to be with me is gone they’re gone and they should not be coming back as I
said before I wanted smart cute and funny but I forgot to add treats me well
treats me well and wants to be with me should be at the very top of the list
I’ve been with a lot of cute smart funny jerk because I was looking for and at
the wrong thing treats me well and wants to be with me should be number one on
the list nothing else it doesn’t matter how cute how smart how funny if they
don’t treat you well say bye-bye how someone treats you and
wants to be with you should be before all else you have to know what is
negotiable and what is not negotiable and wants to be with me and treats me
well as absolutely non-negotiable you have to look at a person and see how
they’ve conducted their life until now a good partner for you is someone who is
responsible and has all the necessities covered you have to do all this before
it’s time to date because it’s very hard to step back in the throws of passion
and suddenly go oh wait a minute I don’t know about this then maybe not that you
don’t start your standards and compatibility inventory the week you
sign up for match komm read getting past your breakup and
getting back out there and work on the inventories in the two books together
your relationship in your life inventories helped with the standards of
compatibility inventory never stopped judging a person on the ethical and
moral choices you have to be with someone who looks at life the way you do
if someone cops to a mistake that’s one thing but if they make excuses for the
inexcusable with others they’ll do it with you too we all understand that
everybody makes some poor choices but some are not really ones that we should
be understanding especially if they’re recent and especially if they seem to be
a pattern you have to listen for excuses rationalizations and justifications if
someone’s capable of doing that with other behaviors they’ll do it in their
behavior toward you so what I’m trying to say to you is that you need to look
at the ethical and moral choices that somebody has made if someone’s capable
of doing things in their last relationship that you find abhorrent
they’re going to do things like that with you and don’t listen to all my ex
was a crazy person or this happened that happened you have to really listen
rationalizations and justifications when you’re in between relationships that’s
the best time to decide what you need a relationship what you’d like to have any
relationship and what you will absolutely not put up with in a
relationship it’s also a good time to look at you and what needs to change
before you go out and try it again and sometimes that’s a matter of you know
you get what you put up with stop putting up with things stop saying oh
gee maybe I’m being unreasonable when somebody’s trouncing your emotions your
life when they’re doing things that you don’t want them to be doing you need to
figure out what has led you to be in bad relationships whether it’s family of
origin issues that’s what you figure out through the life inventory or even just
doing an inventory on you in the relationship inventory what did you do
wrong what did you put up with that you shouldn’t put up with or
what habits quirks or eccentricities do you have that other people seem to
object to and do you really need to change it or not means we’re in love
with some of our eccentricities like yeah I’m really sarcastic and I like
don’t hide who you really are and don’t try to talk up things just to make
yourself more appealing it’s not a matter of will they like me it’s a
matter will you like them sometimes there are absolutely lovely people in
the world who cannot remember to put the cap back on the toothpaste where does
that fall on your list of priorities do you want to be the person that leaves
the cap off or do you want to be with somebody who remembers to put it on I
mean which one are you maybe you don’t want to fight about this you want to put
in your online dating profile I leave the cap off the toothpaste if you really
care about this issue please keep the line moving and if you cop to some of
your bad habits or quirks or things that you really like about yourself that
you’re not changing you don’t care someone else will be honest about theirs
to have a healthy relationship you need to know what you want in a partner and a
healthy partner will recognize what goodness you bring to the table when you
have your standards and compatibility inventory done with your good boundaries
it will help you to maintain opportunities for real love for the kind
where it’s 3 o’clock in the morning and whatever it is you need to have at that
moment not a blamer not a bolter you need to have somebody
who’s going to be there and say you do this I’ll do that or your the person
says I’ll do this and you do that and the other president goes gotcha chief if
you’re honest about things and you have your priorities straight you won’t be
fighting over stupid stupid thing now I told people that I was working on this
podcast and I asked people to give me a list of questions for a future podcast
and since we’re getting to the end of this one
I’m going to answer a few of them and then I will answer the rest of them
later on but the one that someone asked how much is too much information to
disclose in the first few weeks of dating and does that apply your day to I
always tell people that you don’t have to reveal your entire life to somebody I
went to a John Bradshaw workshop many years ago and he talked about sitting
there in the first date and saying oh you know I was a heroin addict then you
know my mother was homeless and my uncle was in prison you don’t want to start
out like that and you don’t even really have to reveal some of these things and
I tell people that all the time when I met my husband Michael I told him which
I told a lot of people you know beyond the third day because I didn’t reveal a
lot of stuff about me before the third day but I was eventually learning that
everybody did not need to know absolutely everything about me and one
of the things that I wanted him to get and any other guy that I went out with
more than a few times was that I was a strong capable person
so I didn’t go on and on about the abuse in my life because I really didn’t want
the person to see me as somebody who would allow themselves to be abused now
I know a lot of people understand that it’s not the abuse person’s fault but
there was something about my early dating after my divorce where I told
everybody about it and I sounded like a whiny victim and I wasn’t sure exactly
what I was looking for but I wanted people to know that I was fragile and
don’t hurt me and all this other stuff and it’s not their responsibility to not
hurt me it’s my responsibility to not put myself in situations where I’m going
to get hurt many times we go through phases in our life where a hurt we’re
angry we act out and we live to regret it we do things we don’t like we learn
from those mistakes and we know we’ll never engage in that behavior again and
there’s no reason to tell somebody about these things not in the long-term not
normal in the short term I had a friend who was so angry about
her boyfriend cheating on her and then breaking up with her that she went over
and she put her foot through she was dancing on the hood of his car which he
absolutely loved and then she put her foot through the windshield and she told
guys about this and she couldn’t assume why they were running down the road and
she had worked on her anger she had worked on her inappropriate responses to
things that she was never gonna do that again I’m just got a lot of trouble for
that and then to add salt to the wound she had to pay him for all the damage
that she did to his car another client of mine asked me how many one-night
stands she should tell her boyfriend she had I was like why are you telling me
any she said well he asked and I didn’t know what to say she was in her
mid-thirties and since her late teens it it was probably about five but it was
more toward the teen years than the thirty years and I said to her you don’t
really want him to know the exact answer and you don’t want him to know the right
answer almost everybody has something that they’re not proud of and there’s no
reason why somebody needs to know how many one-night stands you’ve ever had
it’s a question that just shouldn’t be on the table everybody has some things
that they are embarrassed about they know that it was such a horrific
experience like the experience of my client who put a foot through the guy’s
windshield she was never doing it again it’s the
thing that you did happen last week you might need to tell somebody about it but
it was something that you did that you knew was horrific and you learned from
it you’ll never do it again you don’t have to tell somebody about it I mean
did you ever put a foot through your ex’s windshield is not a question that
typically comes up on the other hand there are things that you want to know
and you have the right to know and it should be revealed you can figure out
what to say and what not to say you need to be honest with yourself and others
but you need to think about what needs to be revealed now I know that somebody
was dating her future husband when she was going through all Harry divorce with
her ex-husband and she gave him all these little
details and guess what happened when they were breaking up cuz they got
married and then they were going through a divorce he used every single thing
that he knew she was afraid of because of her prior divorce he used every
single thing against her you don’t want to tell somebody the ins and outs the
nuts and bolts of every little situation you’ve ever been in if you have a
criminal record you want to let somebody know that but if it was one misdemeanor
when you were 18 in 1938 you don’t really have to talk about if you were
going to do STD testing you don’t want to get into a situation where somebody
said well come on why do we have to do STD testing I mean how many people have
you slept with and you go like ten you don’t want to do that you can just say
it doesn’t matter I think for us both to be safe we should do STD testing you do
need to talk about any possible recent exposure but not the detail so you need
to get tested I mean that’s what a responsible person does these are the
things are good and honest and fair person reveals to anyone coming into
their life and building a relationship you can also say you know sometimes I’ve
been reckless but I was young and I don’t do that anymore
but you don’t really have to reveal all these things you don’t want to be
accused of bait and switch by revealing intense things too far into the
relationship but you also don’t want to blurt everything out and scare the
bejesus out of someone on the second date you have to look for balance and
moderation so that you’re not two months into a serious relationship and then
trying to tell somebody that you’ve been married eight times or you’ll once
accused of murder okay those are extreme examples but
think about the right time and the right place for revelations not too early and
not too late months down the road is not the time to
be revealing big and necessary details you just don’t need to do this if you
cheated on your high school sweetheart and have never cheated an adult
relationship you don’t have to talk about that if you were very permissive
it was after a serious breakup you don’t have to talk about that what is the
chances that this is going to come to light down the road there probably not
you don’t want to catch yourself in a falsely positive light but you don’t
want to catch yourself in a falsely negative light either and it was tell
people like if you’re recovering from something and I’ve always had a lot of
clients that are in 12-step programs you can tell somebody what you’re recovering
from and how long you’ve been in recovery and what you to maintain
recovery but you have to go into the details about all then especially if
they’re not a person that has that issue you don’t have to drag them to a 12-step
meeting you don’t have to make them understand and they don’t have to
understand many people who are not recovering from anything have never
heard of it and that’s not a negative thing it’s a positive thing but don’t be
ashamed of being in recovery but don’t tell the other person every single thing
there is to know about 12-step programs or whatever recovery program you’re in
if you’re brand new to sobriety or getting clean or whatever you should
probably tell somebody but you probably shouldn’t be dating in the first place
but if you’re clean and sober for years you can just say look this is me if you
have questions about I’ll be happy to answer them but don’t act like it’s a
wart or something that you need to explain to everyone and don’t answer a
million questions like so did you drink alcoholic Lee did you drive drunk did
you smoke a lot of pot I mean what’d you do instead of being peppered with
questions sit back and ask yourself if you really want to be with somebody
who’s asking all these intrusive questions
I mean you drinking alcoholic Lee when you are actively drinking and now you’ve
got seven years sobriety it really doesn’t have anything to do with that if
you have seven years sobriety and you’re going to a chances are you did drink
alcoholic Glee but you don’t have to say it like Sameach culpa something like
being in recovery is your business and information with someone to know so that
they don’t wonder where you are and the night you’re going to meetings I don’t
think you’re cheating on them or something there’s no reason to answer
every question about your active past if you’re comfortable with taking a non
addict non alcoholic to a meeting to it but if you’re nothing don’t you want to
know how many times someone was married if they had children if they support
those children if gainfully employed if they’ve always
been gainfully employed if they have duis if they have child support arrears
if you have 17 baby mamas you know it’s like you want to know you have to decide
what’s important for you and ask it when it’s getting serious
don’t leave the fourth or fifth date when you’re talking exclusivity to start
talking about deal-breakers and if the other person has a deal-breaker
that is something you’re guilty of let it be okay you just don’t fit together
it’s not a judgement don’t lie and don’t try to fit into a box you don’t belong
in if someone reveals something to you that shows a broken moral compass you
need to move on that you need to move no matter what other awesome qualities they
have if they have revealed something that is morally reprehensible to you you
need to go you know what this isn’t working out for me goodbye and you don’t
have to sit there and explain it or get into an argument or get into a debate
over it you also don’t have to try to figure out how to make this fit it with
your moral compass if it doesn’t it doesn’t let it be okay make that
commitment to yourself to leave and that you will leave not everybody is going to
like you not everybody is going to be the right partner and the healthier you
are the less people in the world are going to be the right partner for you
the right partner has similar morals values and view of the world if you have
a past that includes sexual experimentation or drug experimentation
or something similar you don’t need to talk about that with anyone you put it
in the past and leave it there but you also have to respect your partner’s
leaving things in the past like that too the lesson is there has to be a balance
when it comes to revealing yourself to others you don’t want to dump everything
on everyone a first date or first outing is not the time or place to tell all
your dirty dark secret you don’t put yourself out there for the masses you
never know who knows somebody who might know you it’s not the time to tell your
life story which will pile lies for things that you’ve done wrong
don’t think oh I need to get this out of the way for people that might not even
be a fit for you think about who this person is before revealing yourself to
somebody is someone worthy enough to know all about you don’t be an apologist
for things that you have done wrong in the past that you have learned from and
that you will never do again you are a precious unique individual scars and all
warts and all history and all honor that preciousness if you have made mistakes
and learn from them that says more about you than someone who hasn’t learned from
their mistakes or has claimed they’ve never made mistakes sometimes it’s never
the time or place to tell them because you don’t need to other times you need
to wait and reveal slowly who you are as a relationship bills do not be afraid to
say who you are but you don’t have to dump all your garbage on the table the
right person will love you scars and warts and all the wrong person will not
and you don’t want somebody who’s going to throw it in your face recently in the
Facebook group there was a woman who said that whenever her and her ex would
get into a fight he would say well I could see why your parents abandoned you
anyone who says something cruel like that is somebody who you should have not
trusted with your hurtful information you don’t pummel a person with every
little thing you’ve ever done that you’re not proud of but you also don’t
give people ammunition to use against you an argument and if this is a person
who will do something like that you don’t want them anyway do the stand the
singer Pat ability inventory do the boundary figure out what’s negotiable
what’s non-negotiable and what might be negotiable for the right person use this
list and that inventory to get yourself in physical mental and emotional
readiness and become willing to walk away the minute you hear what you cannot
live with you have to decide now that the only relationship you’re willing to
be in is one that is good for you and that you will never have to
sacrifice your own morals values and Stan
for someone with different ones you have to know that you have the right to your
3:00 a.m. person if they’re not your 3:00 a.m. person that’s fine move them
out of the way because you’ll never meet your 3:00 a.m. person if you keep
hanging on to people who are not that one reveal yourself little by slow and
reveal it to the right people for the right reason and only reveal that stuff
which you think absolutely positively must be revealed and take a while to
think about that I mean different people have different opinions on that like I
said I told my husband Michael that I had been in a physically abusive
relationship I didn’t tell him I had been in five or six of them I just said
that my my axe had been abusive and that I hit him with a restraining order and
that’s when the marriage was absolutely positively over but I didn’t go into the
details about it I didn’t want him to ever see me as a person who was a victim
you know there were people that I had dated early on after my separation but
my first husband and I were highschool sweethearts and we broke up for a while
and I went out with other people but I was married to him all through my 20s so
when I first started dating and I was still recovering from the PTSD from
being an abusive relationship all those years I was blurting out all over the
place because I was going to therapy I was going to meetings I was gonna
support groups I was doing this I was doing that so I felt like I had to tell
everybody what was going on in my life and also I did the you know I’m so
fragile and I’ve been abused and don’t mistreat me and don’t look at me wrong
and that’s just not the way you go into new relationship you have to go into
dating realizing that you are a precious and unique human being and yes you’ve
made mistakes you don’t have to reveal those mistakes to absolutely everyone
you don’t have to pay for your sins forever and ever but you do have to
reveal things to people that’s absolutely important for them to know
and again you don’t have to go into all the gory details
so I’m going to do another podcast on the standards and compatibility
inventory and dating after getting out of a relationship so please send email
to me lady talking podcast at gmail.com and I’ll answer them and also please
know that if you’ve already sent me email I do plan on answering your email
on the podcast this was sort of an intro to it so take care everybody and
remember please review the podcast on itunes google play citrus soundcloud
wherever you listen to it because that really helped and stay in touch and
again if you want to come on the podcast I would love to have my listeners on so
please send me email me lady talking podcast at gmail.com and take care of
yourself you can take care bye-bye you

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