hi YouTube family Lisa A Romano here
the life coach and today I want to talk about one of the tricks I teach my
clients that has to do with how we can spot a narcissist and what is what are
some of the things that we can do when we’re in a conversation with it with
someone that we think might be a narcissist that will help us identify
whether or not this person is in fact well or not in fact because you know
unless we’re taking a personality test and we’ve lived with this person and we
know firsthand that there are narcissists you know when first meeting
someone we’re pretty much trying to figure out whether or not they’re
compatible with us narcissists are not compatible truly with anyone in a
healthy sense narcissists tend to attract people who need to be validated
by other people so if you’re codependent you are tuned up for a narcissist if you
don’t have a soul or I mean obviously you have a soul but if you’re not
connected to your own soul if you’re not connected to a sense of self if you were
born to people who minimized you and and we’re disconnected and aloof as parents
then they may have taught you unfortunately how not to connect to self
and so people who are insecure seek validation from the outside had troubled
childhoods they will attract narcissists people who had narcissistic parents
they’re tuned up for that and so for those of you who have been following my
work who might feel that you were either codependent or knit an adult child of an
alcoholic from either actively alcoholic home or what we call a dry home where
there was no alcohol to point at if you’ve grown up a love addict
and just insecure if you’ve had issues with bulimia anorexia if you’re a cutter
if you’re you know just suffer from anxiety and panic disorders then you may
also be thinking that you’re in you know your you have low self esteem and you’re
not worthy and then you sort of settle for the kinds of people that show up and
so you’re really not picking you’re not selectively sifting you know the people
you did a tour marriage is kind of like whatever
shows up shows up so like if you’re a size seven and a half and you find a
pair of shoes it’s a size five then you just shoving your foot in it and you got
blisters and and you’re a mess and you can’t walk and you’re uncomfortable and
you smile and even though you’re uncomfortable that’s sort of like what
codependents do or people who are insecure do they settle for the
relationship that shows up it doesn’t fit it doesn’t feel right it doesn’t
feel authentic but they wear the relationship anyway because that’s what
they’ve been taught to do so one of the things that when I mean I was a single
mom for 14 years and when I was when I started dating again after my divorce I
was terrified because my ex-husband was passive-aggressive narcissistic it was
really hard to spot because everybody loved him he was like the mayor in our
town and he was totally on the surface a people pleaser but he had no intention
of ever following through so if my ex-husband said yeah I’ll come by later
to check out that job for you he wasn’t comin by later his matter fact
he was just saying it in the moment so that you could like him in the moment so
he’s very passive aggressive very manipulative all about making this
person in the moment think I’m a nice person but behind the scenes I’m
screwing them every every step of the way in some way I have no intentions of
follow-through at my word he was a kind of person that did not say what he meant
and he did not mean what he said so it was very confusing to me because on the
surface and that’s what co-dependents do they see everything on the surface they
don’t look within on the surface we had a house we went on vacations we had
three healthy children we had a business and everyone freaking loved him
including my family and so inside I had this turbulence going on I was like I
don’t think he sees me I don’t think he cares I don’t think my feelings mattered
to him at all I don’t think he ever wonders how I feel like I don’t think
I’m important to him and that’s the way I felt and that’s what he treated me but
because everything looked so good just like it did in my dry home my dry ACOA
home it was very difficult for me because there was nothing
concrete 2-point debt I thought I needed permission to feel like he’s off or
we’re off I thought I needed someone to say yes Lisa that’s your reality and I
can validate for you you know yeah I can vouch for you like your relationships
messed up I really did think that I need someone to validate my internal
experience which is why I was codependent and why I stayed for so long
why I needed other people’s permission to feel like I had a right to experience
what I was experiencing so if you’re codependent I hear you like it’s tough
and I encourage you to keep seeking knowledge because the way to break
codependent patterns is through truth the truth sets you free what truth you
are truth are you ain’t happy don’t be a then you’re not happy and if
you’re not happy you have a right to not be happy and anyone’s trying to tell you
that you should be happy and you’re not happy that’s someone you got a look at
twice because they’re not hearing you and so one of the tricks that I use on
you know when I was dating as a single mom was I knew that that narcissists
lacked empathy and I’m an empath so I will have complete empathy for the
person that I went naturally which if I’m not careful sets me up for
narcissistic abuse by someone else because I want to know how they feel I
want to know what they think I want to make sure that they’re okay so that
comes natural to me so if I’m not careful about that energy that I give
off I’m going to get sucked in by a narcissist and so what I began to do was
while I was on a date with a man I would say things like um Oh yesterday was a
really really interesting day with the kids it was really really exhausting if
that guy did not say something like really tell me about it if he did not
seek interest in the feeling that I threw out there then he’s not empathetic
to what I’m feeling like he’s not interested in that he wants to know how
much the bill is is he getting laid are we going to see em I go see him tomorrow
is he a my is he able to control me into thinking about what he needs so so I
would do that like during dinner um and I would okay the first thing all at
that pass okay so oh yeah yes there was a tough day with the kids it was
exhausting now what do you mean by that tell me about that oh yeah kids are kids
you know under the age of twelve they could be tough you know even over the
age of 12 they could be tough you know if there was no bouncing off of that
that was strike number one I might say now just a wit be aware of this I’m at
dinner I’m interviewing this guy okay strike number one does not bounce
back feelings very bad sign because I’m going to ask you so he says he had a
tough day I’m all over that I’m like tell me about it what do you mean you
had a bad day Oh what was said well okay why did that happen I want to know so I
need to be with someone who’s like that because otherwise there’s no flow back
and forth so during the course of dinner again like I say I interview I would
interview men and I suggest that my clients who are single interview women
or interview men that when they’re dating so I would let that one go so
that I might say now I’m aware I’m aware I’m not into this guy yet I’m observing
him then I might say something like um you know um tell me about tell me about
how you grew up and then if he said if he if he had a feeling I would empathize
that feeling and then I would say yeah well I’m the oldest of three and you
know my siblings and I just didn’t share the same reality so that was confusing
if that guy doesn’t say yeah I can see how that could be confusing if you don’t
share the same reality if he doesn’t if he doesn’t inquire about what I mean if
he doesn’t want to know more about what that means I’m done like this um thank
you for dinner here we go let’s split the check because you’re never going to
see me again like don’t call me tomorrow I’m not wasting my time so essentially
very briefly this video has been created to help those of you who tend to attract
narcissists help you find ways where you can test the waters with people before
you take them home and sleep with them or start a relationship with them or get
too involved with them figure out if the people in your life you know test the
test of water see if the people in your life mimic back your feelings if you’re
the one if you’re codependent and your love addict and you’re an empath then
you’re the one who’s always trying to understand everybody and that’s draining
that’s exhausting and those relationships don’t
work they fizzle out and you end up feeling very resentful and angry and
feeling like what about me now on the road to codependent codependent
recovery an ACO a recovery whether if dry homes are active alcoholic homes we
learn to take accountability for the energy we’re giving out okay so if you
are hanging out with people who women friends whatever colleagues you’re
spending time with people who never ask you how you are never ask you how you
feel if you come up you know go to a luncheon or something you start talking
about how you feel and you’re with women who kind of like steamroll right over
that you have to pay attention to that so I’m not saying you know throw them
away never speak to them again I’m saying don’t don’t be the one who is
seeking to understand them like let it ride take a step back have a
conversation about the weather have a conversation about the upcoming project
have a conversation about the upcoming PTA meeting have become very light
conversations that is not a conversation that you sink yourself into that’s not a
conversation that you say yeah that’s willing of me that’s willing of my
authentic energy that’s willing of my soul that’s willing of me sharing myself
so we have to just we have to figure out the boundaries there are certain
relationships that you can be self self with you can express self with you can
be giving in and then there are relationships that you cannot and
unfortunately some of the relationships that we cannot be giving in include mom
dad sister brother aunt uncle and sometimes even the friends that we’ve
attracted along the way sometimes you’ll experience someone you’ve just met you
know for 20 minutes and you have a more authentic loving back-and-forth
relate exchange of emotions than you do with your own mother or your own father
and that’s okay the goal is to pay attention to the way that feels the
reciprocity there’s the reciprocation that takes place you know how that
person is reciprocating how you feel they’re mirroring your emotion that’s
healthy you want to be in that type of an exchange with somebody so dear ones
um it’s all about learning about who you are and what you’re worth and understand
that people who don’t see you don’t get to feel you people who don’t see you
don’t get to experience the love vibration that you emit that doesn’t
mean you harass them you cut them off you can still bless somebody I still
bless my ex-husband I bless my mom my dad I bless everybody
like I don’t have a beef with anybody I understand that everybody is a product
of their environment and where they are is representative of their current level
of self-awareness and that is on a spectrum that that is those levels those
are vibrations and that changes so my ex-husband can be very unaware today but
he might be extremely aware tomorrow and I have no right to judge his path I have
no right to judge my sisters and my brothers my goal is to figure out chemic
do they hear me and if they do okay I’ll tiptoe into that pool they
don’t I’m getting right back out I’d rather be by myself
I’d rather journal I’d rather make a youtube video I’d rather take my
beautiful dogs out for a walk I would rather hang out with you know my in my
bird Avery I would rather but I am highly sensitive and tend to be an
introvert believe it or not but I would much rather surround myself with books
that I love and nature and go on a nature walk then extend my energy in
relationships with people who whose agenda it is not to see me like that’s
just okay see you later alligator so I hope this has inspired you please keep
your questions coming I love them and I try to comment to everybody in my in the
channel description down stat anybody that leaves comments below you can check
my stuff out at WWE link self-esteem calm and WWH Isle of Alcoholic life
coach calm teleseminars starting March 7 I also have a free event coming up March
8th it’s a one-hour event it’s going to be a webinar and if you’re interested in
signing up you must sign up and because I will only be giving the link to the
people who sign up it’s a one-time event I will be hosting future events in
obviously in the future I will be hosting more events obviously in the
future look forward to that you can check that out at WWE link self-esteem
comm if you’re interested in coaching with me one on one you can drop me an
email and healing self-esteem at and we’ll just set that right
up take care and buddy bye

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