Ghosts, demons, zombies.What is the mystery locked
inside that impenetrable box called the paranormal? That is why
we have gathered here… – from far and wide.
– ( person snoring )( person coughs )Imagine you’re in bed
drifting offwhen you’re overcome
with a strange feeling.( belches ) Paul:
Are you crossing over
that great divide?Or perhaps you’re just
hungry for a sandwich. Hey, lunch!
That’s not a bad idea. Guys, let’s go ( bleep ) up
some hoagies. Now, 99 times out of 100,
you’re just hungry. But maybe, just maybe,
it’s a demon sandwich ready to consume your soul. –( person coughs )
– When’s bingo start? Unsolved mysteries like these are why the Nobel committee
should know that understanding the unknown
is the only way we can know the unknown. Shut up, Paul!
Why am I sitting here? Warning. Dangerous
portal activity detected. Uh, Paul,
wrap this shit up.It’s time to go.Oh, my dear God. ( gasps ) Oh, shit! Orb, what the–? Oh, mother fudge buckets! Ladies and gentlemen,
gotta go. No refunds. ( claps )( opening credits music )Really? God.
Shit. ( beeps ) ( beeps ) ( beeping ) ( grunting ) I don’t think
it’s working. Wet it. Get the ( bleep )
out of my way. Jeez. ( groaning ) Has it really been
a thousand years? Thine world exists no more?
What has happened? Wow, I can’t believe
I’m back. Where am I? Okay, listen up, newb. Every thousand years,
all orbs come back to Orbicon for review
before being sent off for the next
thousand-year assignment. Got it? ( groaning ) Speak when
spoke to, jerkwad. You’re an Orb.
Act like one. And, uh, oh, yeah.
Buy war bonds. I know my reassignment
is slavery. I cannot go. I cannot
live in the globe again. ( screaming )
I have to signal the guys. Paul:
Keep going, Vanoss.Back up. Back up.
is near the couch.Maybe try standing
on the couch? Come on, guys.
This sucks. When do I get
to use a weapon? Uh, no,
still nothing. I think I broke my beak. Without Orb’s tracking
signal to hone in on, You have a .0000006
chance of locating her. We’ve never lost her
like this before. Signal continues
to broadcast. No response. ( beeping ) Get your hands off me,
you stupid krauts! Buy war bonds,
you sons of bitches! ( beeping ) Hmm. Did you rub it? Yeah, I even spit on it, too. Here, let me help. Aw, look at you, silly. The magnetic stripe goes
on the left side. Great, thanks.
I keep forgetting that. All right. Take care.
I’ll see you around. ( panting )
Oh, shit. I’m never going to find it. Come on, please,
please, please, please. Where are you? I’m dead. I’m dead.
Come on. ( beeping ) Yes! Yes! I’d know
that crappy ringtone anywhere. ( beeping ) ( panting )
Almost there. My stuff. Here we go. Okay. Come on. Find me, guys. Attention. Orb detected. Pad, where is she? Two possible
portals indicated. Destinations uncertain. One gets to Orb
at Orbicon 6. The other will trap you
in an infinite black hole. You don’t want
that one, yo. Let’s carefully calculate
an algorithm that will determine
the safer choice. Got it.
Eenie, meenie, minie, moe. Pad, lock those coordinates
and let’s go save Orb. Yeah, baby.
I always wanted
to go into a portal. – Fine.
– Fine. Holy ( bleep ) shit.
Aah! ( groaning ) Oh, uh, hey, guys.
How’s it going? Did you miss me? So, Paul, what happens if this is the portal
that takes us to a black hole? It’s quite simple,
actually. The insides of your body
would be like toothpaste being extruded
out of a tube. Pad, are you sure there
are no alternative portals? New portal generating
in general vicinity, but it has a connecting
portal in Detroit. Detroit? Uh… Right, looks like
this is the one. Orb 141121,
step forward for judgment.( voices whispering )( sighs ) We’ve reviewed your data
from the last 1,000 years, and we have concerns. For example, why did you sleep
from 1929 to 1941? It was the Depression.
I was depressed. And what about the almost 100
years spent in the Bahamas? I had a great
beachfront condo. What does it matter? I’m one of a trillion,
gagillion Orbs. We need each and every Orb
to capture and store all data throughout time
for our race to rule infinity. We must know how to defeat
and subjugate any adversary. We are compromised
without knowledge. We must know everything! Why are you yelling?
I get it. No, you don’t get it! A review of your last
1,000 years proves it. Elder:
Who are those losers?Oh, that’s Paul and Eddie. They might be losers.
But they’re also… my friends. You are worthless
to our cause. And you have wasted
our time. Now, we will waste yours. You are confined to the
Neanderthal caves of 10,000 BC for 1,000 years. ( all shouting ) – Elder:Order.
– ( shouting continues ) Order! You can’t do this. It is done. When’s lunch? Next. ( all groan ) Pad,
assessment. Orb indicated
in the vicinity. Follow me, bitches. Holy shit, man. This is awesome. Come on, guys.
Eyes on the balls. Heh. Balls. We’re– we’re not
gonna die, right? Paul:Orb!
Where are you?Guys? Over here! There she is! Holy shit, guys.
Thank God you found me. Oh, my biscuits!
Orb, no! Oh, this is it. I’m off to live in a cave
for a thousand years. No, you can’t leave us.
You can’t go! Paul, Eddie,
of all the people I met in the last
thousand years, I have to say,
you guys are… you’re right up there
in… my top 100. Good-bye. Orb, I love you, and I’ve always
loved you. Just so you know,
when you sleep, I kiss your orb. There, I said it.
Good-bye. I knew it.
Paul has a major
stiffy for Orb. Okay, the cave thing is looking
pretty good right now. You guys take it easy.
I’m out. Look, over there. Wow. What the ( bleep )
is that? Paul:
It’s some sort of
time transport system.The ( bleep ) is that? Aah, aah! Buy war bonds,
you sons of bitches!“Soviet Russia ’53.”It’s almost
as bad as Detroit. There’s Orb.
There she is. Ah, ( bleep ) it.
We gotta save her. Orb! Where are you? Not good. I am balls deep
in balls. Come on.
Find me, guys. Deduction.
I’ve got this, homies. – ( beeping )
–( device beeping )Yes, that’s her
horrible ringtone. Paul:
Vanoss. Eddie!– We got Orb back.
– Yes! Oh, wonderful, beautiful, smart, amazing Orb. I’m never letting
you go again. Yeah, Paul.
Never gonna happen. Like, not in
a thousand years. Oh, shit! Help!
Goddamn it! You guys, help me! Aah! Eddie!